Wasted

I feel so exhausted today. In front of my colleagues I have to appear strong. Today my boss asked me to go to Mr. K house to visit him. Stupid stupid stupid lah! I said yes I will go, and then no I won't also said no to Mr. K then I ended up going.

I feel stupid! I think my boss won't be too impressed with me.
I feel that I am afraid to take responsibilities
I am afraid of making mistakes

Lilis, wake up! Be yourself!

I tried. My colleagues weren't too impressed knowing that I decided not to come because Mr K. house is far. I know... that is such a lame excuse. But, one of you also took that excuse, right? At least, I am honest to my lady boss and I said to her sincerely in the end that it was nice to come.

Anyway, Lilis...
calm down...
take a deep breath
in the end you visited mr K.
and you just need to let your colleagues know that you finally went when they asked.
otherwise they might think you are so rude and cause unnecessary barrier between you and them.

Mr. K's daughter, Clara is so adorable! I love that kid. Eyes are like doll: long lashes and big eyes. She will grow to be a pretty and smart kid. Father speaks dutch, mama speaks Chinese. She speaks English with me. A two years old amazing capability to learn language.

I feel stink. My feet are stink (crocs to blame). My face always tired and not fresh. So, I feel rather self-conscious. I dun mind but my bosses do mind if I look tired cos they will think I won't be able to work well.

Anyway, at least I was honest to everything and sincere. I hope people can see that.

Lord, I am still carrying this European mentality where my face is purely Asian. I know taking this job is not going to be easy. But, hopefully this little suffering can do me good, shape me the way you want me to be.

Because I keep forgetting that this life doesn't belong to me anymore. This life belongs to you and it is absolutely at your command. If you destined suffering and pain and discomfort, they are all for my good, for my maturity. This life is not mine to keep, to do as I please, but to serve my Lord. And serve Him til I die, I should.

I keep remembering Mr. K debate and comparing it with the book that I read. The following sentences serve to satisfy my own desire to reply properly:

Why should you agree with abortion? Don't you think the baby in the womb before coming out into the world was living and enjoying his/her relationship with his/her parents? Will you disregard the 40 weeks life compare to 80 years? you think 40 weeks life weren't life not worth a living? who are you to make a decision for the baby when clearly the Creator has decided to give it breath of life? Do you agree then if people become irresponsible and when they decided they don't want the baby, they can just let it stop living? How immature! Daring to act but runaway from responsibility.

How little and pathetic, the God that you worship! not sovereign, passive, no emotions, no power, so limited. Such god does not deserve the title "God". If He is God, He will be able to see you, care for you even if you are but dust compare to the unimaginable size and the ever-expanding galaxy.

Here, Jesus. My life, do as you please.