Burnt Out

Why Lord do you allow this happened to me?
I was serving you
You know my heart O Lord
You know the stress I received from my unbelieving family
Why You do not prevent?
Why You allow me to go through
I am still far away from recovery

I can not contain my feelings
I am upset and quite discouraged, God
I am grateful for the support that I received from Church now
I am growing with them

But still when I looked back
I can not contain my disappointment
I can not accept the fact I was so stressed beyond physical exhaustion
Until it stresses out my parents too

Don't you know what they will say?
I also wonder
For during my time, I felt I can not serve with joy
I felt if I do not serve, I am not accepted in Christ
There is guilt being carried around
Totally is not right

All the more to my sadness
my parents will think Christians do still live legalistically
Where is grace?
Where is the limit?
Do one serve until their sense of pleasure was completely gone?
This will certainly be a stumbling block for them
Do one serve until they have no joy?
Why I was so stupid?
Why my self-esteem was so low?
Why can't I prevent all that from happening?

Friends, what will you do if you were me?
what if all things happened to you?
Why must this happened to me?
Why must I, who came from a non-believer background experienced this?
This made me both as ineffective witness whether on the job I was doing or my parents
Can you imagine my burdens?
Can you empathize?
Imagine, you are both the cause of stumbling block to others and the cause of harm to yourself

Where do I find hope to go on?
Where do I find strength to carry all these burdens?
Where else do I look to but to the gracious and compassionate God?
I do not have any other options God, but You.
Noone else who is able, who is sovereign enough to take care all my problems
I have nowhere else to go
But coming to You, asking You pardon for my deficiencies and drawing from your supply of Grace

Jesus, show me the way
Restore my soul O God
Refresh my heart
Strengthen my body
Renew me
like a new creation
Give me peace, patience and endurance
Perfect my faith and build up constant hope in me

I trust You
I trust You
I trust You
because You are faithful

and in the end You come out as the Victor
You are absolutely in control of all things
You will establish Your Kingdom in the end
Your Word, Your Word O Lord is true and trustworthy
You have convinced me through the years,
even as now I walked in this path of hardship
You are the way, the truth and the life
Nothing else matter more

"Then those who feared the LORD talked with each other, and the LORD listened and heard. A scroll of remembrance was written in his presence concerning those who feared the LORD and honored his name.

"They will be mine," says the LORD Almighty,

"in the day when I make up my treasured possession. I will spare them, just as in compassion a man spares his son who serves him. And you will again see the distinction between the righteous and the wicked, between those who serve God and those who do not. "Surely the day is coming; it will burn like a furnace. All the arrogant and every evildoer will be stubble, and that day that is coming will set them on fire," says the LORD Almighty. "Not a root or a branch will be left to them.

But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall. ³ Then you will trample down the wicked; they will be ashes under the soles of your feet on the day when I do these things," says the LORD Almighty." Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord, O my soul!!!

Mal 3:13-4:3