Lilis

I have been proud
I am fickle minded
I am selfish

that's badddd...

Discouragement

Today my manager handed over his tasks to me. He is leaving on the 8th of January. To be honest, I feel quite relax but He got really frustrated with me. Sigh. I dunno if I can go on like this. But, everytime I think about quitting, the words from Wiersbe from Being a Servant of God. He said something like..."It is always too soon to quit"

Everytime I remember that I always gather myself up and try to go on. But, I have come to the point that I can't seem to change that fast as fast as they would like me to. There was an Indo colleague, same age but she got the position of manager without even going through that probation period. She is also a christian. But, she can just bring herself in such a way that my boss and my manager like her. She also drinks but I am not sure where her conviction is. I can not imitate her. She must be really smart and composed and relax. She is not the type that will worry too much.

I feel so inadequate. My job seems to go against who I really am. I am required to be trendy, smart, have negotiation skills, fit/pretty all that kind, can lead and scold people, firm and can relate to almost anyone which might involve drinking, partying and the sort.

Sometimes I keep thinking whether this is where God wants me to be. Although I hate to miss the opportunity to grow. But, I can tell you that I am running out of ways to make myself skillful in all these things in such a short time. I already lost my face in front of my bosses and colleagues. I have my own mistakes too: worrying too much and being very nice.

I really have a problem in saying no...either I become very firm until people misunderstood me or I am very soft until people walk all over me. Why? Why I can not master this skills. I feel pressured on every side and wishing that I was not born with this kind of personality and insecurity. I wish I was tough. I wish I was not that anxious. I wish I can grow abit more but I am quite tired of being pushed from every side.

I don't know what else I should do...

I feel hopeless...

I am ashamed of myself...

may be this job is not really me... (whether there is such a thing?)

may be I should not push it...surely God would want me to do something that I enjoy...

Why? I am just about to learn but there is no room for such luxury...I am expected to be ready...

I dunno how long can I stay in this place...but to quit seems to be such a coward action...

Kini

Jangan pernah memusingkan hari kemarin,
Jangan pernah memusingkan hari esok,
Yang ada selalu saat ini.
Kemarin telah lenyap,
Setiap menit harus berjaga,
buatlah itu bermakna meski bagaimanapun.

Tidak ada saat lain: Hanya kini.
Hanya kini kesempatan emas,
saat yang pantas untuk dibela.

Jangan pernah memusingkan hari kemarin,
Jangan pernah memusingkan hari esok.
Adalah hari ini yang harus kau isi,
Dengan semua yang benar dan mulia,
Dengan semua yang Tuhan beri,
Dengan semua yang Tuhan sediakan,
Dengan semua yang Tuhan mau,

Dan waktu untuk itu adalah Kini.

Lumpuh

Ketakutan dan kekhawatiran menghimpit dan membuatku lumpuh. Hadirat Tuhan pun sudah tidak lagi dirasakan. Ketika manusia hanya sendiri tanpa ada Allah yang memimpin, sungguh hidupnya akan tragis. Satu quote mengharukan baru didapat pagi ini:

"Dimanapun kita ditempatkan, bagaimanapun kondisi kita di masa lalu, sekarang dan akan datang adalah ladang kerja bagi Tuhan untuk menyempurnakannya."

Alan Redpath berkomentar terhadap ayat Roma 8:28

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose".

"Tidak ada satu hal pun, kondisi, masalah, pencobaan yang akan menyentuh saya jika tidak terlebih dahulu melewati Tuhan. Jika hal itu telah terjadi, maka itu datang dengan sebuah rencana yang indah yang mungkin tidak saya mengerti saat kejadian itu terjadi. Tetapi, setelah saya menolak untuk menjadi panik, begitu saya memandang kepadaNya dan menerima keadaan itu sebagai sesuatu yang datang dari takhta Tuhan demi rencana anugrah yang besar bagi hidup saya, maka tidak ada kesedihan yang pernah mengganggu saya; tidak ada pencobaan yang melemahkan saya, tidak ada kondisi yang membuat saya resah. Saya akan tinggal dalam damai sejahtera Tuhan. Itulah arti kemenangan sesungguhnya."

sumber: Menapaki Hari Bersama Allah by Yohan Candawasa

Tough

What a tough week! everytime I remember about work, I just want to cry. I feel as if my boss is playing a joke with me and I am tired and helpless but he aint giving me up. It is difficult for me not to take his words lightly neither easy not to listen to many discouraging words. Actually the work itself is quite stressful. We are expected to know everything in such a short time and no colleagues are willing to help. Yeah, very kiasu. very chinese individualistic, materialistic, competitive, superficial society. I quite hate it to be honest. Oh...whether I am ever be a business woman...

But, God says not to look at myself, my problems and difficulties.
God said I am too a sinner, in need of forgiveness

why can I not forgive these people? Help me to experience your love and care. Enable me to forgive for I am no better than them, Lord. I am very stressed, my Lord. I am hurted by their careless and heartless words, as if my presence is such a disgust and I am unworthy to be in the midst of them. Selfish colleagues aren't really helpful yeah. It makes you stand on your own. I really hate their superficiality and two faces. I know morality and principles will not always be practical. If profit is your goal then values are sacrificed.

anyway...

I DONT CARE ANYMORE!

Yes. I do not know how to say no. Sorry God. I am a failure.
I can not protect myself
I am clumsy
Always nervous
I am disorganized
I don't want to know SALES
I don't care if you all gone bankrupt
I don't have anyone to support me
I can not lead anyone
I can not argue my way out
I am already allowed myself to be a fool yet I don't know the way out
I am full of self pity and bitter and I can not help it
I don't have any outstanding character
My parents rely on me alot. yet I don't think I can make them proud. I won't be able to withstand this pressure and about to give up.
I can't fight with my boss neither my manager neither my any other colleagues in the office
I am too kind
I am too conservative
I am too restricted and truthful
I won't stand these people dealing with bribes and evil ways

Yes Lord I believe in the end they will all go to hell. They may have heaven now but when judgement come they will not be able to stand. In this sense, I am still blessed. But, please Lord I need your guidance. Keep this job or not? Because everyday I only live in fear. I no longer enjoy my work. no matter it brings me to the end of the world but I can not stand them!!!

Why do I look so young that people lose respect? Why I am such a melancholic that I can not even protect myself? Why I am so helpless????

Stress Berat

Kepala gua pusing kayak mau pecah. Terlalu banyak pikiran. Hari ini bukannya kerjaan gua ilang malah nambah dua biji. Ya Tuhan...kenapa aku itu gak bisa ngomong sich. Udah ngomong kenapa gak digubris? Aduh...

Bos gua selalu bawa-bawa agama, kenapa sih gak bisa let me go at least for a moment? Kenapa sih everyone does not understand me at all. I am about to burst out already. Why? Do I really need another stress like this? Yes, this is a chance but I can't take it anymore!!! I am always pushed around, come home late, bring the work home and stresss. I dont even have time to exercise. I don't even have professional salary. I don't even have paid leave. I work my butt off. Why? WHY?

I dun have even a space to breathe and practise those skills.

I HATE IT!!
I HATE EVERY SINGLE BIT OF IT
I HATE IT!!!!!!!

Rasanya...

Merasa kecil. Tidak berdaya. Mudah dibully. Stress. Tidak punya pengalaman. Terlalu idealis. Tidak punya skills. Merasa sangat inadequate. Merasa kurang cakep. Kurang dewasa. Penampilan tidak ada apa2nya. Gak suka clubbing and drinking. Merasa bodoh dan takut. Merasa mudah diperalat, dipersuade, dibodoh2in. Merasa arrrrrrrrrrgggghhhhhh. Gua udah in the bridge of surviving di kerjaan ini. Relationship gua dengan bos makin jauh, makin takut sama dia, makin gak bisa enjoy kerjaan. Selalu blackmailing me emotionally. Intinya gua capek kerja disini. Semua orang di kantor juga capek ngerjain tugas bos. Sekretaris mau quit. Gua juga mulai berpikir. Gua gak mungkin belajar semua skills diatas dalam waktu singkat. Gua bukan pemberani. Gua takut. Sekalipun gua udah gede, tapi gua tetep takut mungkin banyak kalah ama adik2 di gereja. Mereka secara tampang, kepribadian, tingkah laku lebih dewasa.

Rasanya untuk tidak melihat penampilan luar, itu susah. Untuk tetap tegar itu susah. Untuk tetap bersabar itu susah. Untuk tetep liat Tuhan itu susah. susah susah susah...

Reflection week 1 Dec

• Semakin cinta Yesus
• Semakin tidak bisa hidup tanpa Dia
• Semakin sadar akan pentingnya total surrender to His will therefore require actions
• Total surrender to His will = joy
• Joy = life abundant
• Melihat kasihNya dan kuasaNya yg besar dalam firman Tuhan dan memperoleh pengertian lewat doa.
• Tuhan Raja alam semesta adalah Bapa kita yang baik dan penuh kasih. Dia berfirman maka itu jadi, Dia memerintahkan kehancuran, maka bumi pun taat. Dia yang penuh kuasa ini mengasihi saya dan mendekap saya ketika saya penuh ragu, patah semangat dan tidak berdaya. Dia selalu menyertai saya.
  
• Hidup menurut kehendakNya seharusnya menjadi tujuan hidupku
• "Each problem is an opportunity to grow and see God work" by Wiersbe
• Terlalu bnyk buku yang mau dibaca dan dipelajari. Pelan2 saja biar bisa dimeditasikan dan diaplikasikan.
• Fokus. Hidup ini harus fokus pada Tuhan bukan pada diri sendiri, pada situasi kini, pada kemampuan diri sendiri. Fokus dan percaya pada Tuhan itu kuncinya. Hidup selfish sungguh merugikan diri sendiri.
• Setuju banget kalau pelajaran tidak dicatat akan missed banyak pengertian yang sudah dibukakan oleh Tuhan.

Looking forward to relate intimately with you, God. Looking forward to sit still before You and be blessed by You. I need you.

It hurts