Discouragement

Today my manager handed over his tasks to me. He is leaving on the 8th of January. To be honest, I feel quite relax but He got really frustrated with me. Sigh. I dunno if I can go on like this. But, everytime I think about quitting, the words from Wiersbe from Being a Servant of God. He said something like..."It is always too soon to quit"

Everytime I remember that I always gather myself up and try to go on. But, I have come to the point that I can't seem to change that fast as fast as they would like me to. There was an Indo colleague, same age but she got the position of manager without even going through that probation period. She is also a christian. But, she can just bring herself in such a way that my boss and my manager like her. She also drinks but I am not sure where her conviction is. I can not imitate her. She must be really smart and composed and relax. She is not the type that will worry too much.

I feel so inadequate. My job seems to go against who I really am. I am required to be trendy, smart, have negotiation skills, fit/pretty all that kind, can lead and scold people, firm and can relate to almost anyone which might involve drinking, partying and the sort.

Sometimes I keep thinking whether this is where God wants me to be. Although I hate to miss the opportunity to grow. But, I can tell you that I am running out of ways to make myself skillful in all these things in such a short time. I already lost my face in front of my bosses and colleagues. I have my own mistakes too: worrying too much and being very nice.

I really have a problem in saying no...either I become very firm until people misunderstood me or I am very soft until people walk all over me. Why? Why I can not master this skills. I feel pressured on every side and wishing that I was not born with this kind of personality and insecurity. I wish I was tough. I wish I was not that anxious. I wish I can grow abit more but I am quite tired of being pushed from every side.

I don't know what else I should do...

I feel hopeless...

I am ashamed of myself...

may be this job is not really me... (whether there is such a thing?)

may be I should not push it...surely God would want me to do something that I enjoy...

Why? I am just about to learn but there is no room for such luxury...I am expected to be ready...

I dunno how long can I stay in this place...but to quit seems to be such a coward action...